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Dearest Lynn

I guess you must have taken today off; I tried to call you a few times. Some guy answers the phone.

I feel I better try to straighten my head out. Like my liming partner Mike told me, when it comes to love I have a way of digging a deep hole for myself and then can't get back out. He was there when I was in love with Ying. He has some idea what I go through. Looking back now I realise that the underlying problem is that I allow an unbalanced relationship to occur, which only consumes me with no balance from the other person. Actually I knew that back then already with Ying and basically sort of dropped the thing or tried to, but to me it seemed she kept pulling me back in.

Anyways. I remember when I was in the car with Keith, and I had spoken to you on the phone; this was the time a few weeks ago when I had sent you an email in response to that grinning tantrum you threw on me where you seemed to gleefully announce that you were dumping me. Not that there was anything to dump. The only thing to dump was a few cups of coffee in the Pix room where we had a few times that we could actually communicate. And you said that everything in the email was true. I had to wonder then whether "everything" included the part about you setting me up for a big horne.

After I spoke to you, you then called Keith. Next thing you know Keith is telling me that "Lynn say to say she love you." I remember thinking then to myself "I wonder what that means?" You could have told me that you loved me if that was the case.

I do recall you telling me sometime recently "I'm not in love."

Well, I seem to be in love with you, and from all appearances I am in an unbalanced situation, because you do not seem interested. I can only suppose that if I had a baby you might actually spend a little time with me to go see the baby! But I myself do not seem to be worth your time.

If I were an old pro accustommed to trying interest women maybe I'd act in such a way that you'd respond to me; but then I'd probably be up to no good. That reminds me, I was watching something on tv last week Sunday night that reminded me of you that I meant to mention to you (but of course we don't spend any time together for it to come up for it to mention; all I'm left with is a one sided email relationship where you do not even respond). It was one of those lawyer shows on tv6 or ttt and there was this girl called Rene, who was a defendant in some case, and , oh she was an african american, and she had this lawyer girl friend of hers and at one point when they were in a house talking the lawyer girl was telling her (she sort of got angry and started to tell Rene something as a friend) that she (Rene) has a way how she treats men, and and and, well anyway that it always ends up with her attracting the kind of guy that both she and Rene knew Rene did not want.

Later, the lawyer girl went into a room where Rene was sitting quietly having a cup of tea or something and she told the lawyer girl that since when she was young, she had developed breasts early in her school, and the boys used to come and tease her and crowd around her in public and reach at her breasts; and she had learnt gradually how to use that interest that men had to further her own interests; and look, she said, even up to being a law graduate from Stanford (or some such).

That reminded me of you. I used to wonder whether your interest in me was really an anger or retaliation against the fact that did not seem to automatically take a sexual interest in you perhaps as you are accustommed to men taking a sexual interest in you. Like what you really wanted was for me to "behave" like everyone else. I remember you asking me "why are you so quiet", which is not something someone who actually knows me well enough to I suppose qualify as being a "friend" would ask. Someone who askes me that obviously does not know me well enough at all. I'm usually quiet. It is the usual.

I was thinking today that maybe you kind of build a social sense of security by ensuring that all the available men around you have an interest in you?

Well, I have to clear my head and find out if you love me.

Apparently at least you love my nephew and niece more that me, at least I see presents for them.

Well, I recall getting two kisses from you. Apparently there's no more where that came from.

When the cricket was going on I remember I used to see you with other men, touching them on the arm like you would me, and I would be ripping apart inside, and then you might come over to me and reach for me and I would be upset and pull away. I do not know if you realise it but the way you tend to habitually reach out and hold men all the time is very unusual. At first I used to think you liked me, then I started to realise that it was just something you did all the time, and it made me feel uncomfortable when you did it to me too. I'm not accustommed to a woman touching me. I do not mind of course if I like someone and they like me and we touch. But if you don't love me then I guess I'd rather you didn't touch me and make me feel loved when really, it's just something you go around doing to all the guys.

Nobody I've spoken to about you has anything positive to say. I mean in reference to me and you. One guy said you don't know what you want. He also suggested that I "put some stick on it"; to which I could only shake my head and tell him that I really don't know what that means.

Steve had said that I should take you out to dinner to a nice place like Jenny's which is over on Cipriani Boulevard. I forget exactly what Ashly said, but he didn't seem to feel there was - oh wait, he had said at one point that that the two of us only wasting rent money; anyway when I explained further, he sounded more like there didn't look to be any point in me looking your way.

Maybe I should ask Stacey's opinion?

By the way I wonder if you'd like to go shopping or something. Not that it would be much to me in the sense that to me it would be just a little better than going to cricket at the sports club where we don't actually seem to be able to spend time together. But I suspect you might like to go somewhere do something, just not too much emphasis on me.

Maybe I could teach you to swim? I wonder. Maybe you'd like that. But for me it might be just torture in the end. It could be like me and Ying, with me spending time with someone only falling more deeply in love, and this other person just learning something from me but not loving me as well. An unbalanced relationship.

You never send me email.

Not even email; and it's not like you wanted to talk to me personnally; you just don't seem to have anything to say of your own. Not even that you don't believe me. When you used to say you loved me at least we both know that you were sending conflicting messages to me. You say you know now that you have a way of talking that people are not sure when you are joking and when you are serious.

Well, in case you do not have anything you particularly care to say to me, which I notice you haven't recently, I want you to know that though I love you right now, I will get over it, and I hope at least you find lasting love in you life. I don't know if you realise it but in case you haven't figured it out, waking up a dead horse like me and confusing my heart is really really a rather cruel thing to do.

Do you realise that at this point as it stands there will be more Steves in the world and fewer Edys? Heck I'm an endangered species! Sincere honest guys like me who fall in love but don't have the streetsense that well practised players have end up unmarried and with no children. Or else we end up with a woman who has made her mistakes and has children and is looking for a steady man to take care of them. That reminds me of Rita and Ousha. Rita was the one I might have told you about who I literally had to run away from? Or maybe I haven't mentioned that yet. She had 2 children from some guy. I remember telling her to take back the key from that guy and stop that relationship. She wanted to stop that relationship. One day she called me and said she was so happy finally, she had taken away the key to here apartment from the guy. But from then one she was on my case. Ousha, had one child and was going through a divorce when I met her. I seemed give her some support through her divorce, but she was a bit of a tricky person I think. She started entangling me in her life. She would actually lie and say things, like she would promise to keep our relationship you know - separate, but as I would discover, that was just a ruse to keep me from leaving; then she would try to get closer at my weakest moments. The clincher for me was when she was standing on the pavement outside the place I rent and calling and the neighbor called the police and she said things (so I understand) like "eddy promise to make a baby with me" or something like that. Actually what I concluded afterwards from information I got was that somewhere around that time she lost the custody case for her child to the father (strange) and it seems she kind of tripped of and I even hear she had to go St Ann's for awhile. I suspect also that she was hoping to get a man to help support her case in the custody matter. But on the bright side I've since heard that she got married. I had never really liked her, and I had explained that to her from the start, and I grew to resent the way she'd try to rope me in; I didn't mind the company, and I was prepared to give the relationship a chance, but it's not right to manipulate someone. One time she came on my doorstep unannounced in the night ended up inside my room. David who lives in another room in the house had let her into my room. I eventually reached home after having some beers probably by Ling's, and find this naked woman lying in my bed. Well I confess I went to bed and didn't resist when she sucked me dry; and now I have to live with that memory. After that night I had to do some serious thinking about whether I might possibly marry this woman. I felt in my heart that I didn't really love this person that very much despite what other emotions I was feeling. I would only be taking advantage of her apparent love and not really returing that love with passion, only politely accepting what she had to give. That's why when she turned up again, for what turned out to be the last time, I just stayed in bed and let her keep calling; she'd already stood out there calling on a previous occassion , I think the first time she did that I ended up letting her in then driving her home, and that was why David ended up letting her in because he knew she had been there before.

Gee Lynn, you could almost start a Dear Lynn column in one of the weeklies!