You know, I really shouldn't be writing this at all because I am just tying up my own head instead of actually being involved or not involved in some sort of relationship.
I remember when I was in university in Canada, I fell in love with a girl named Stephanie who lived nearby. Well perhaps I should clarify that I mean it in a one sided way, in that I felt deeply in love but there was nothing from her side of things. We didn't have much a relationship at all except that I thought about her all the time blah blah blab.
Every Thursday I would bring her a pink carnation. But we never went anywhere or did anything together.
She sort of ended up err playing around with my supposed best friend, and they seem to have gone out a couple times.
I remained all broken up over losing touch with her for years.
The way I look at it now, that relationship was all in my own mind.
More recently, around 1992, I fell in love with Ying, who I've probably mentioned to you before. She was sweet in my opinion. She was also beautiful to me, which she could not understand because she thought herelf "ugly girl" and she always used to ask me suspiciously "you why like ugly girl".
I used to teach her english. She seemed to like me too, but she never wanted to take time for us to be together.
Well that last story was the biggest breakheart I got and I ain't too sure I can survive another one. I remember crying in my bed at nights, bawling into my pillow to muffle the sound, and my eyelids crying so hard the lids flipped backwards. I remember crying practically in my sleep dreaming that I was crying in Marguerite's lap with her comforting me saying "alreght baby alright" or some such thing.
Again, the way I look at it, that relationship was all in my own mind.
My heart's been all broken up and I've squished it back together.
I remember the time you mentioned to me that you didn't have a phone; I remember feeling disappointed, and at the same time concluding to myself that we probably wouldn't have the opportunity of just keeping in touch and getting to know one another. The only real times we actually spent together was having coffee on the second floor.
I remember the time when we were sitting out by the elevators and this was around when I was starting to believe that you were serious about how you felt about me, and I was beginning to respond to you, and you basically started backing off and telling me that you're not serious and it's only talk.
I felt like "Aha! Edy you dumbo! There you go again getting yourself get tied up all in your own mind with someone who doesn't feel similarly."
You know, when I was young, I always assumed that I would one day meet someone I loved, and we would get married, have one or two children, live in our own house, and we'd pass on to our children what we have learnt in our own lives.
Now it's 1999 and I am 36 years old, never had a girlfriend (well except maybe for Mirreile though we were more like close friends.) Well actually, that relationship with Mirreile was the only one that ever was a working relationship. We both were volunteers at a telephone counselling service at the university and we have common friends, and we used to go cycling and stuff like that. Well okay so we kissed once or twice (boy could she kiss .. wheeeew!) She was a year ahead of me in university and when she left I visited her a couple times. Turns out that after I left Canada she ended up with a guy named Ted which is a short for Ed! I assume they got married.
So anyways, here I am at 36, supposedly one of the brightest minds in the country, and it looks like that's the end of the line for my genes.
You know, sometimes whenever I am around you I get the feeling as if what you really want is for me to behave like someone else. I do not mean someone in particular in particular; like maybe you just want to see some behaviour from me that you are more accustomed to from other people; as if that's the real objective of your attention.
So anyway, I guess this is just my way of trying to get something out of my system. After all, I can't phone you, and apparently as a "friend" I don't even qualify for some time.
Well, that seems to make things clearer for me. Despite all you told me, despite the fact that you now recognise that when you tell people things, they're not so sure how true it is, I'm not worth spending time with. Edy you dumbo! you did it Again steuuuwps.
Well, if it means anything, I have grown to love you very much, despite all the confusion, and if you are interested I would like to spend time with you and see whether or not we can build a permanent relationship.